Raindrops of Life

Why is life so hard as a single parent?  Everything is so difficult and complicated, even the tasks that should be simple seem to turn into overwhelming catastrophe's.  Take yesterday for instance.  I get up at 5:30 in the morning, take the dog out, jump in the shower and start waking kids up as I am getting dressed.  It takes a good half hour to get them motivated and dressed by which time my voice is already hoarse from yelling and it is barely twenty after six a.m.  Then I have to load them into the car which means they are running here and there, forgetting lunches, crying because of something they want to take and can't and fighting in general.  By the time we get in the car and pull out of the drive I am already a basket case and the day has barely started.  Dropping them off at daycare is another event that takes at least 15 minutes, unloading them, walking them inside checking to make sure they have lunches again and explaining whatever needs explained to the teachers.  Finally on my way to work, always a few minutes late I try to breath and not glance at the clock which makes my heart race because I hate never being on time.  Work is usually pretty relaxing, not too many issues as long as I don't have to go anywhere.  The problem inevitably comes in when I have to leave to do anything.  Such as yesterday needing to go to the dentist and get my tooth re-packed, come back to a meeting, go to the daycare and pick up JX for a doctor appt, come back to a meeting across town, get back to work for an hour and launch into my evening routine.  On my way to the daycare I needed to stop and grab a prescription for JX who of course was not in the system at the pharmacy, had to go through a huge amount of bullshit over insurance because which in the end was not worth the hassel so I just paid for the prescription, then off to grab the kids and get home where the real fun begins.  Once we get out of the daycare, which is usually a feat in itself as they have to grab this and show me that and run here and there.  Finally in the car again we pull back up the driveway around a little after 6 p.m.  They are already fighting, whining, and crying about being hungry and wanting a movie and to play outside and whatever else catches their fancy.  At the end of my rope I explode and tell them to just be quiet, I cannot take anymore.  The baby is always screaming by this point, exhausted from the day and is my first priority every night.  I feed and bathe him and lay him down with a bottle, knowing I will hear him cry before daybreak and dreading having to repeat this routine the next day.  Once he is settled I fix something for the others to eat, give them their baths, put a movie on for them and think I may actually relax.  However, that is usually not how it goes as the dishes always need cleaned up, the laundry done, the house picked up and the dog taken care of.  Usually by this time the dog has taken off, jumped the fence and harrassing the neighbors who make threats about the police.  Pissed off and not wanting to chase a dog at 9 at night I want to sit down and cry.  Sometimes I get her back and sometimes I walk inside, close the door and say good riddance.  Written down it doesn't seem like a lot for a day, yet by the time I fall into bed I feel as though I have climbed mount everest and am bone tired dreading the arrival of the next day.  Yesterday wasn't too bad in comparison to some I have had, it just seems everyday is such a huge fiasco!! 

Surprise, Right!

It is amazing to me how completely self absorbed and self centered some people can be.  It must be nice to be able to go through life extorting money from others to live, using those around you to get ahead, and having an excuse for why you should never have to do anything for anyone but yourself but why everyone should do for you.  People like this are created, babied from birth and raised to believe that they should never have to do for themselves, that everything should and would be handed to them with no expectations in return.  These kind of people are the ones who when you are sick laugh and call you neurotic and do mean things to make you feel worse, yet when they are sick expect to be waited on and doted on and have their children taken care of in order to lay around in bed.  They are also the kind who think that their work is your problem and actually stoop to throwing tantrums if it is not done on their time table, yet who are the first to turn their back and say not my problem when they have made an agreement in return.  In their self absorbed state the comical part is that they actually think they are the superior party, that they shouldn't be expected to do anything in return and people should just do for them because it is the other person's duty to make sure they never have to do shit.  The blame for this can really be traced to the parent, the constant bail-outs that they give the child, the free daycare, the money, the open home.  Why should it matter if someone else who actually works for their money is out $40.00 because of an agreement that was not their problem to keep up?  It is only money and money is nothing when you can always find someone else to take it from.  Amazing that in the blindness of this unending cycle of take take take and fuck you's that they would think someone would not prefer a person who is more caring at times than they are in their entirety.  I should know by years of experience that these people are never going to see beyond their own nose and stare down their bridge, judging and preaching to others while bulldozing through their own life trampling on top of whoever they please.  No surprise that in being promised relaxation after having a painful extraction I am duped into a night of unpleasant noise by a child who has no boundaries, dogs who have no rules, and no food available to eat.  Not to mention the pain that surges through my jaw, mouth, ear, and head, the inability to take pain meds because of trying to get home where I was told I would have a ride in the morning but of course ended up not being anyone's problem but my own, and then being forced to spend money that I don't have for a trip that I would not have taken in the first place.  These people can never figure out why others don't like them and why they don't speak to them, it is really quite hilarious that it would even be a question.  But this is the last time I will be played the fool.

Spills

Now that I have calmed down a little bit about my mishap the other day I feel that I can write about it without becoming an emotional, suicidal basketcase.

Today could possibly be classified as one of the worst days of my life.  Why is it that when you are already down on your luck and pushed to the edge one more thing has to go wrong???  For example, today I woke up feeling okay, the sun streaming through the window tricks me into believing it may be a nice day and leaves me with great hope for such.  Quickly I jump in and out of the shower, time is ticking and as usual I am rushing against the second to make it to work on time.  My three youngest kids are still in dreamland fighting against my constant urge for them to get up and dressed.  I have to fight to get them out of bed and into the car.  With only 10 minutes to spare I peel out down the gravel drive and rush onto the highway, speeding into town with an eye on my clock counting down the seconds to eight.  Pulling up to the daycare I glance into the rearview mirror and realize that once again in my early morning haste I forgot to run a brush through the kids’ hair, another day of them going into the daycare looking like welfare trash.  Without any comb to rectify the mess I shrug my shoulders as is my daily habit and usher them out of the car, gathering them on the sidewalk and pushing them into the building.  In a whirlwind of goodbyes, I love you’s, and have a good days, I throw in a lame excuse and apology for the kids’ hair looking wind torched and promise that they have been bathed the night before but in an effort to get out of the door on time with lunches packed, jackets on, and shoes precariously balanced on their feet I happened to overlook their heads this morning.  Still uttering explanations and goodbyes over my shoulder I blaze back out the door, I have three minutes to make it to work and am determined to be on campus on time.  I rush back to the car, throw the gear into drive and burn rubber down the road, nervously checking my mirrors and to the sides for cops as I speed to work.  At four minutes after eight I bust into the office, red faced and breathing heavy from running up the walk and a flight of ten stairs.  I rush out a good morning to my supervisor who is of course already clicking away on the keyboard, push the power button on my computer, throw my purse into the bottom drawer of my desk and lean back in my chair to catch my breath.  A few moments later my co-worker breezes through the door, calm and collected feeling comforted by the clock showing only six after eight as she is habitually late with no kids for an excuse.  How I envy her ability to take extra time each morning to relax and cruise into work unharrassed and well put together.  I take deep breaths, say a firm good morning, roll my eyes and focus on opening all the computer applications I will need for the day.  A couple hours later in dire need of coffee I ask my co-worker if she is as caffeine deprived as I and if she wants me to run to Starbucks for some latte’s.  She is also feeling like a caffeine kick and so I rush out the door to Safeway where I figure I can grab something to eat and the latte’s and be out the door faster than waiting in the drive-thru of the Starbucks further up the road.  Amazingly Safeway is crowded at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning, coincidence, probably not just one more snag in my day.  I grab a few things off the shelves, run through the self check and get in line at Starbucks.  After a good ten minutes I am finally able to order my drinks and fifteen minutes later I walk out the door with my bag of groceries and coffees.  I sit the drinks on my middle consul as they are secure in a drink carrier and my car is littered with used Kleenex from my never ending sinus infection.  I pull out of the parking lot and think “okay, a little less than a mile and I will be in the clear back at work and resting.”  Fat chance, the sun still unwittingly shining like a beacon in the sky catches my eyes and sets them to watering.  Suddenly I feel a sneeze coming on and at the same time notice that the only light between me and the college is yellow.  I start to break as I sneeze, causing my foot to land harder on the break than intended which in turn sends the latte’s flying off the consul, lids popping off and hot milk with syrup and espresso splashing everywhere.  One of the drinks landed in a precarious position propped against a shoe I had on the floor, I thought if I could just ease into the green light I might be able to salvage some of the coffee.  Of course that is not my luck, I gently press the gas and the entire contents of the damn cup come spilling out of the container, drenching my shoes and soaking the carpet.  Wonderful, now the smell of sour milk can permeate my car along with the smell of dirty kids.  I walk back into work empty handed, on the verge of tears I explain my catastrophe and apologize for the continued lack of caffeine.  Desperately I want to be back home in bed, away from work and people who seem to do nothing but piss me off.  The day drags slowly on, people irritating me more and more until I think I may scream. 

Recollections, Re-collections, Randomized thoughts

The clock ticks as the endless seconds of this day drag on.  The restlessness I feel is so complete that it is difficult for me to stay slouched in my chair.  I have scanned every possible website of interest and am reduced to now writing this blog to keep my sanity from escaping.  The testing center is dead, quiet in the summer heat, testers out enjoying the sun now that it has finally arrived.  I am bored, the topic of my every day.  The tasks I have at hand take minutes to complete, leaving me with hour upon hour of free time to sit and think.  Thinking is a dangerous occupation for me these days.  Every time I am left to ponder my own thoughts they turn to you and our past and how we can manage the future, which brings me to the pain of all that has happened and the knowledge of you being with someone else, which in turn enrages me and saddens me and stabs me in the heart all at the same time.  I try to focus on how much damage you have done, yet my mind and heart play tug of war over how I feel.  If only I could integrate the two and move beyond the "us" that exists in my unconscious mind and heart.  The silence is broke by a tester a co-worker and a few stragglers with questions, I am almost sad to have had my reverie interrupted.  Two more hours before I can close down shop, however I then have to venture home, kids in tow and deal with several bouts of fighting, yelling, whining, and crying.  My nerves are already getting on edge just thinking about it!  I hope that today was a better day for my son.  He has been having a rough go of it lately, hitting the teacher and acting out, completely unacceptable.  It is so hard to deal with all of it.  I don't want to deal with it, I don't even know how.  Brings me back to you and how unfair it is that I am left with this on my own.  I don't want to forge ahead, I can't imagine living the next several years like this, day after dredging day.  Why can't you be normal!!  But then what is normal??  Who is normal??  Certainly I am far from it, how else could I be so stuck on you.  Once again my train of thought is vandalized and I am forced to snap back to reality and help students with testing.  I also received an email that has begun a whole new thread of internal conversation in my mind. People are interesting.  The man I am currently pregnant by recently had a child with another woman who has now friended me on facebook and encourages me forth at times.  Having just found out that I am having a baby girl I shared my joyous news with my entourage of friends on fb.  She tried to IM me to tell me congratulations, however I was in a meeting and missed the conversation and so emailed her a thank you back.  She emailed me back stating that her son is excited about having a baby sister and shared a little story about him with one of our mutual friend's daughters.  Keeping the discourse alive I replied, all the while thinking how odd it is that some friends are found in the most unusual of situations and/or circumstances.  While he is a complete douche hardly worth mentioning, she is actually very nice and without having both dealt with him and had/having children by a common denominator we would probably never have crossed paths or spoke at all for any reason.  The funniest part is that his family is still completely in the dark about him even having another child!  And, this will be the first granddaughter out of all of the grandkids!  Amazing how poorly I choose the men to recreate with.  First the person I had my oldest daughter with, a complete nutjob with a psycho incestuous family, then my next daughters father who is a sporadic kid-making machine with children all over the map, after which came my true love who gave me my next three, two sons and a daughter, but who turned out to be a complete mess of an alcoholic, drug addict, physically abusive psycho, and last but not least the baby's father that I am currently pregnant with, another alcoholic bi-polar crazy.  And I am sure the list would continue if not for the lovely technology that will soon be removing my uterus so that conceiving will no longer be an option.  Giving up with trying to blog away the last hour and a half of work, everytime I get on a rant or begin to reminisce someone or something interrupts my cycle!  

Judgement Day

It is so easy to sit on a pedestal, smug in your life and the outcome of your decisions judging those around you and condemning the actions and/or reactions of others.  You give out advice without it being requested, thinking that in your superior knowledge and perfection of home you have the right to judge and demean those around you who you feel are inferior in their wisdom of what entails a "good home" or "relationship."  It must be so thrilling to assume that being married carries with it an air of being "in the right" and having that excuse to throw around when confronted by issues in your own relationship.  "Family" preach their concern yet only apply it to those who they feel they can threaten or push into a corner to live life the way they deem worthy.  It is time to move on, beyond the chains of others who shove their own agenda and think they know what is best.  It is always easy to look in on anothers life and pick out all the wrongs and point fingers at their failures and forbid their relationships based upon the past.  Snapshots when sewn together can make either a beautiful collage or a picture of terror, yet when life is viewed in black and white or snippets of time all of the grey is lost and a biased frame emerges.  Faults work both ways.  Someday we all face judgement day, it is at our own discretion to live life the way we want.  

Heartless

Sleep slips frothingly from my eyes as I lay in bed at 3 am seething over the newest information presented about you and your disgusting ways.  Why do I care?  I don't know, I can't seem to let go of you or move on from you.  I love you with the same intensity that I hate you.  You have done so much damage in my life and caused so much destruction, chaos and fear.  How could you do all you have?  You have lied so much that I cannot distinguish what may be true, have edges of truth or is just a straight out lie.  The disgusting bottom feeder scum you have been living and sleeping with makes me feel like vomiting, the rage I feel is so completely intense that you should be happy you are in jail and out of range of my firing hurtful mean words.  You will get a letter full of hate and disgust.  I have given you everything, my entire being has been wrapped into you and you took advantage of that.  You used me for a free living and gave me nothing in return but endless heartache and a shattered home where I am left to clean up the pieces.  I never wanted this life alone, never wanted to be left to raise kids alone, work alone, stress alone.  I hate you for putting me into the situation where I am forced to manage by myself and deal with it all by myself and to make it worse in one of your drunken stupors you touched my daughter, who you already knew had some past with trauma.  It is too late to make excuses or change it, however she interprets it is how it is, according to the state, the family, and me.  You may have meant nothing by it but with all the disgusting new details emerging about the people you have been involved with both during and after our relationship I am not sure I believe you.  You ruined everything, I hate you for choosing alcohol and drugs and putting me into the situation I am in.  We can never go back, you can't even come to visit your children or ever be in my house again.  I have to stay separate from you, even if you get help and change because of how my daughter perceives your actions and because of the harm you have done to our home and because of my family having the power to take my kids.  You knew you were never liked, you knew that we were constantly watched and threatened and you didn't care, you have never cared.  You think because I have a sister whose life is worse and whose husband is worse and whose kids are being harmed by the sexual actions taking place in that home that you are exempt and that we could work things out but you are wrong.  My family has only certain ones they will touch, nothing will ever happen in that home unlike mine.  And even if we could move forward together where does that put my daughter?  How could she ever cope with that, she would hate me and not understand.  She is not your daughter, you were never a dad to her like you were the other kids, you never gave her attention so why would you think that she would take your actions as normal?  How can I believe that you did not mean it in a perverse way when you have always been stand offish with her?  I am left with nothing, no heart, no happy future, no help.  Desolation, lonliness and anger cloud my days.  I have nobody who understands, nobody I can talk to and no bottle that I can drown myself in.  I have to function as a normal part of society no matter how much I want to run away and pretend like nothing is wrong and have you by my side.  I make it through my days pretending that it is all just temporary, that someday we will be together again and everything will be perfect, it is an illusion and fantasy that is not a healthy pre-occupation of my time.  Yet I still find myself unable to move beyond.  I don't know how to recover from such complete heartbreak, so I don't.  I hold on and make myself believe there is still a future, that I won't be stuck like this alone and struggling forever.  That you will change and get the help you need and everything will be as it should.  That we can start new and have good times like we used to before your drinking and drugging became out of control.  It can never happen and it is always earth shattering to recognize that, to know that I am destined to do this alone, that you will never change that it is too late for change, that you have moved on to bottom feeding scum who are happy to have anything and so support you and cling to you and provide you with all the drugs and alcohol you need.  I can never forgive the past or present, words cannot describe the shear density of my rage when I hear about anybody touching you or you touching them or sleeping with them or sharing anything with them.  I hate you as completely as I love you. 

Re-Possessed

Sitting at work trying really hard to maintain and cope.  Not only have I been informed that my job is over as of August 30th which is 2 months away but I just received a phone call from an investigator who has been hired due to an affidavit which has been filed against me by the car company.  I am to drop my car by midnight tonight for a voluntary repossession, so come tomorrow morning I will be afoot with three kids in tow.  I will have to cut back my work hours since I cannot walk to and from work and make it to the daycare and the job on time.  No matter how hard I fight against the tide this life is a cess pool of undercurrents, I am sick of it, sick of the struggle which only gets harder never easier, sick of the bullshit and the constant fight for basic survival.  It is not fair, I have worked so hard to barely even be able to exist.  What is the point in an education or good work ethic????  I am ready to give up!!

Steak Temptation

Sitting in a room so silent the sound of a pin dropping would make an echo.  My ears are ringing from the sound of my own finger pads against the keyboard.  Looking around I am surrounded by testers, each busy with the stress of choosing wisely on their answers.  I am glad I am not a part of the crowd per se but the proctor monitoring the room.  How I want to light a firecracker and startle these poor unsuspecting folks so diligently engrossed in their computer screens.  It would be a source of humor for months to watch them jump, especially as they are mainly laborers with rough hands and dirt under their nails, tough yet I would be willing to bet still susceptible to a good scare!  I would give anything to be in a loud crowded room right now.  I am starving and my stomach is reverberating frightening sounds bouncing off the walls and making the silence seem like a pillow suffocating me in its down.  We have one window in the room, it has the view of trailers and one big tree.  The sky is of course dark grey and I am thankful to be inside as it looks as though we are promised more rain.  My mind slips to food no matter how hard I try to keep in on track with watching for cheaters.  Being in my fifth month of pregnancy I find that food is my obsession in life.  I gauge my days on when I eat, what I will eat, where I will eat and once I have eaten how long I have to wait before I can eat again.  Unhealthy.  Obsession of any kind is not the healthiest manifestation of energy, yet it is a part of my core being to obsess on a regular basis.  I wonder what these guys do day to day, how do they live, what do they obsess over?  The one straight in front of me I am sure lives in a trailer on some acreage, probably obsesses over old cars and tinkering around with mechanics.  He is the kind I might imagine to have been in a few bar brawls in his youth and has been weathered by the consumption of beer, fists, and hard work that has ran his life.  I would almost bet that he has a motorcycle or two and that he enjoys a spin now and then to clear his mind of his impending doom at being unemployed.  He strikes me as having that rough around the edges look but is really a teddy bear underneath and may even give the shirt off his back to a stranger were they in need.  Several others in the room are young, probably fresh into the job market and having a rough go at obtaining employment.  They remind me of the young cocky cowboy types that macho around the town drinking, fighting, and feeling superior.  They probably have gigantic chips on their shoulders and think that they can have any woman they please even though they have naught to offer.  Another in the room strikes me as an intellectual, hardly the type to work with his hands but more suited to computer science or some technology based position.  He is very serious and I imagine him to be very methodical in his life, weighing options and listing outcomes.  I start to envision what these people enjoy eating, my mind once again returning to food and hunger.  I would guess that the Harley dude would enjoy a big double juicy hamburger, loaded, with fries ranch dressing and a 32 oz coke.  The young brawlers I can see liking pizza and beer, maybe when out at the bar leaning more towards something deep fried.  The computer expert I believe would take a little more time in deciding his food, debating what sounds good and maybe deciding upon a subway sandwich or something a little more substantiating such as a steak and baked potato.  Who knows..maybe they all love steak and would be more the type to barbecue a mean T-Bone and wash it down with water!  I could definitely go for a nice medium well T-Bone right now, with some bacon and onion green beans and mashed potatoes with gravy.  My stomach is growling even louder with every mouth watering delicatessan I imagine.  I believe I better quit this blog before I die from food withdrawals!!  

A sun revival!

Today was finally nice, sunshine streaming through the windows and dancing off the walls. Its rays of light invigorating and refreshing after so many days of black, wet, cold weather. The kids and I spent all day outside basking in its warmth, so much so that I am now as red as a lobster! Got a ton accomplished though and feeling so much better about life now that the yard is somewhat getting into shape. After 5 hours bent in the garden we finally made some progress. 

Although to many this may look as though nothing was done, the entire gravel area and each bed was full of tall weeds that my kids and I took the day to pull.

The outside of the garden area is still a wall of weeds and thistles from the neighbors yard which are moving into mine and beginning to take over several different areas.  To say the least this does not make me happy, but am hoping I can find some chemicals to deal with the tall weeds that are just too much to pull.

Tomorrow if it is still nice out it will be a trip to the store for more Round-up and a day of spraying all the gravel walks to ensure that the hard work of today not be for naught.  Then it will be planting the rest of our seeds and tomato plants and enjoying the fruit of our labor by hopefully having a good harvest in late summer. 
 
 
 

Unending

Life is a never ending battle.  You take blow after blow to come out bruised, scarred, and tattered.  Being a single mom is like being in the front lines, it is constant war.  Movies and fairy tales set you up for soul shattering disappointment, parenting is not fun and games.  It is not possible to enjoy your days and your kids as they grow.  After getting up at dusk to get everyone ready to head out the door, working all day, and returning home at dusk to fix dinner give baths amongst screaming kids who are demanding food, fighting and yelling at each other and taking every last ounce of your energy there is nothing left.  I almost think I would prefer to be at the front, doing combat with silent soldiers who surprise you and kill swiftly, no chaos and noise to drown out your thoughts just straight adrenaline and the resignation of death.  Women are not made to handle this alone, it is too much.  What is worse is knowing you had someone to help but gave it up and walked away.  Grayness, darkness, blackness, wet cold trenches doubling as graves.  The future holds no promise, no help, it is too late to turn back, too late to patch things up, too late to find comfort and happiness again.  Days are endless convergences of the next, nights barely exist as days are as dark as nights.  Life, a bloody battle mascaraded as a manicured family in a manicured house, the only puncture wounds being invisible to the world carried on the souls of those sewing the facade together, knowing reality but braving the lines with a smile.